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This is My Personal Life. I have alot of sexual experiences in my personal life. I enjoy them and I enjoy sharing my insight with you and i hope that you learn something from me since i do believe i have known everything since i was about 4 years old and if i dont know something, then i am not aware of it. Everything you read on this entire website should be read for the purpose of entertainment only and should not be taken seriously OR believed to based on any semblance of reality AT ALL.

I do not use this page for the purpose of marketing.

Do not confuse it with my professional life. If you are looking for information regarding my service you are on the wrong page.

Apartment rental

-- JOKE --

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and
agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he leaves,
he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT".

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!

Posted Nov 30 2007

Not getting it

so i'm back because im so very wierded out right now. so i was just surfing the net looking for a photochop of gilligan getting a handjob and i cant remember why i was looking for that but anyway i stumbled upon an old forum and i start reading some of their "best of" threads and i struck gold.

1602 (1): (20)(26)

<SIGINT> funny thing happened on a recent medical check <Black_Hat> ? <SIGINT> they gave two containers right for this bodily fluids check <Black_Hat> ok <Black_Hat> did you test hot for drugs? <SIGINT> and during registration of the medical check, i went down the list of the medical check list that they would do <SIGINT> i saw urine test and fecal matter test <SIGINT> which i wasnt looking forward to <Black_Hat> just answer the question <Black_Hat> did you poop in a cup <SIGINT> so i got to the ward where they would take the samples, so i was given the two containers <SIGINT> yeah i thought i had to poop in a cup <SIGINT> which is mighty hard to do if you ask me <SIGINT> but when i turn em in, to my horror the two awaiting boxes only had urine samples <SIGINT> no one pooped <SIGINT> i was omfg

this gets me hysterical.. i'm laughing so hard i'm crying, my dog is barking, i cant stop laughing and so i'm like omg i have to show someone this.. and so im hitting the yahoo buzzer all frantic like payton, buzz, payton, yo payton, buzz, buzz, payton and ok finally i get a yo back so i copy and paste that into the messenger and i wait for her to bust ..... well she says, "I dont get it"
i'm thinking wtf ?
wtf ?
WTF ?
SHE DONT GET IT ?
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN ?

so i just said "ok" cuz i dont know how to deal with her now... then she asks me if he pooped in a cup and i said yeah.

now i feel all weird like im a perv.

Posted Nov 26 2007

Anger Management

ok im going to try to demonstrate to you a lil something about anger management.

you see there is something that's called an overreaction.

an overreaction is when the reaction taken to an action is out of proportion to the aforementioned action.

for instance, someone might say hmmmm "do guys act like big dicks to get more pussy"
now this might cause a guy to feel angry if he is paranoid because he knows he is being a dick and therefore he may think that this means the person asking this question is somehow implying that he's a dick....

now a normal reaction to this would be something like "shut up, I'll be a dick if i want" ..... you see that's an equal reaction..

an overreaction would be threatening to send thugs to mutilate this person and this person's child and threatening to send out the fbi and threatening to send out multiple law enforcement agencies to lock up this person for whatever imagined crimes.
this is the reaction of a psychotic.

do we see the difference here ?
possible causes may be due to sexual frustration or other related unresolved issues or it may be a sign of serious mental illness.
possibly rabies
probably scabies if the dick has a history of hanging with nasty um ladies.

now if this resembles you, do this:
1st, pull the twisted panties outta yo azzcrack
2nd, print out one of my pics and hang it on the wall...
3rd., every time you resist the urge to be a dick reward yourself by throwing a dart at me.
4th, after 5 darts, you can jerk off and shoot a load at me.
5th, enjoy your day and have fun, you'll never get these minutes back once they go by.

now im gonna go get ready cuz im expecting hot ass fbi agents ANY MINUTE
YUMMY

Posted June 12 2007

The Wiener Ruler

I very firmly believe that all men use a special ruler when they measure their dick. I like to call this the Wiener Ruler. Now the Wiener Ruler, differs from a regular ruler in that it has no 0 inch mark and no 1 inch mark but instead it starts at inch mark 2. I have seen quite a few wieners and i think i can safely offer an opinion on the average size of a Caucasian man's wiener in the general population is 5-6 inches and the average size of an African American man's wiener is 7-8. fully erect. This is the truth as i see it (which sometimes is not the truth at all in the rare event i could be wrong but as you probably already know, that's Not Bloody Likely).

I know you watch alot of porno and you see alot of big dicks, you also probably see alot of big boobs and fake orgasms too. its porno and porno sex resembles real sex about as much as a cartoon caricature resembles it's subject. The porno industry is comprised of a very young, (the majority being 18-25 yr olds) and therefore still sexually inexperienced group of marketing geniuses. They know how to sell sex but they dont necessarily know that much about how to have great sex and often the lack of real life experience makes them easily impressionable and their idea of sex becomes warped by the various marketing ploys used in the industry. a pornstar who states "i love getting pounded by big cocks" and "fuck me long and hard" is going to sell more videos than a pornstar who states "i like getting fucked with lil wieners" and "lightly caressed with your fingertips". If women really loved getting pounded by big cocks, you'd see a hell of alot of real orgasms in porno. An 8-9 inch dick on a white guy (using standard ruler) is a big dick, really big and not necessarily a blessing. Generally guys with dicks this big dont like receiving oral because stiffie has been victimized by teeth. Sometimes, big dicks have problems getting all the way erect or staying erect and personally, regardless of size, stiffies rock my boat. I love them. I love feeling them grow in my mouth or up against me, wanting me, it makes me feel soooo sexy and the harder it gets, the wetter i get.

They also find it a bit tougher to find women who are willing to have sex with them and if they do, they normally have to take it easy or risk hurting the woman. Some women (and i have met some), i'm sure really do love big dick but I've had some of the best sex of my life with my finger aka The Fucking Genius. As a matter of fact, just last week on my way back from the Deal or No Deal contestant tryouts i was stuck in traffic foreva on the 101 and since I forgot to bring BOB along, The Fucking Genius, for 45 glorious minutes, saved me from committing Road Raging Mass Murder and since a cabrio with the convertible top down isn't the most private of areas, i'm sure we entertained quite a few of our fellow travelers as well. Its not a very large finger, but it is my largest finger, it's my middle finger and it wears a size 8 ring. (by the way, jewelry makes my nipples hard). Unfortunately, i found myself too shy to suck on my own nipples (as i soooo very much love to do - just imagine being able to suck your own dick and yeah its that freaking good - i love my big boobies), while on the freeway otherwise it probably would've have been the Absolute Grrrreatest Sex of My Life. You'll also find that many women experience orgasms from receiving oral sex and i'm guessing the average size of a man's tongue to be somewhere between 2-3 inches (and its not even hard). HMMMMMM.

The key to good sex is desire. a small dick will make a woman want more. going slow will make her want more. being gentle will make her want more.. she may even start begging for more. Sometimes the most powerful touch is no touch at all and just making someone want to be touched. On the other hand, pounding her with a big cock is most likely to make her want ...... . maybe less ? Do you want to feel a woman pressing herself up against you or pulling away from you ?

The week before Auntie Flo arrives each month, i crave big cock and lots of it pounding away but I very rarely have an orgasm with it, its just satisfying in a whole different way like scratching an itch.

I 'd like to dedicate today's post to the jackass that told me to go post some more mental shit on my site. Here you go jackass and now you can go do what you do best - GO FUCK YOURSELF and I hope you have a Bird-Crappy-On-Your-Big-Fat-Head-Day, thanks. If you ever encounter a girl who thinks you are so foul natured that she refuses to spend time with you in exchange for a few hundred dollars, you might want to take that as a hint that you need a lil character adjustment.
JUST A BIG FAT STINKING MAYBE.

For those of you who have what is unaffectionately known as "little man's syndrome", please take note that If you have a small dick, acting like a big dick does not change the fact that your dick is small, nor will it compensate for it but having a small dick is not necessarily the end of the fucking world so GET THE FUCK OVER IT and maybe you'll find more women wanting to GET THE FUCK ON IT.

Posted Apr 16 2007

Schedule This

schedules and planning and blah blah blah.. when the fuck did anything ever go according to plan so why would i waste my time planning ? for the most part, i try not to be BOGGED DOWN with schedules EW. I realize that there are times when they are somewhat necessary maybe and i thought that doctor's appointments would be one of these times but Friends and Neighbors i was wrong wrong wrong and its wonderful actually. I showed up at my doctors appointment on Thursday at 1:50pm apologizing for the sad sad state of the fucked up 101 causing me to be 20 minutes late and the receptionist just smiled and said no problem and then she started her typing thing and then she was all frowning and clicking and then typing more and LOOKING at me like wtf. so i'm getting a lil nervous and so i ask her if they're busy today and she said no but ms (the last name i use as my real name you dont need to know) you're appointment was at 12:30 YESTERDAY. OH WELL FUCK ME THEN. So i blank out my face so i'm all hillbilly inbred looking and OH WHOOPS I HAD A BLONDE MOMENT OR A BLONDE FEW DAYS I GUESS, i dont know how that could've happened and maybe you guys could've entered it wrong in your lil puter, who knows, who cares, i'm all here now and you guys aren't going to be too busy to see me are you ? She says no problem Ms (real name) have a seat so i did and i didnt even have time to read the psychoanalysis of Britney spears before they called me in. so the whole time im getting poked and prodded and groped i'm thinking HOW PERFECTLY FUCKING FANTASTIC IS THIS SHIT I CAN JUST SHOW UP ANY OL GODDAMN TIME I WANT AND CLAIM I THOUGHT I HAD AN APPOINTMENT AND THEY'LL FIT ME RIGHT IN. maybe not here too many more times cuz i already did it but most certainly other places that try to tie me up in schedules and especially the places that have office staff who keep their heads perpetually stuck up their asses.

HELL YE----AAH

and anyway, people need to stop planning and scheduling so much and just start DOING for chrissakes. how much freaking time is wasted making and canceling appointments. NOTHING goes according to plan DUH. maybe if we just do whatever we want whenever we want to and maybe we will get IT done. just form a line people (and especially airlines you fuckers), its not that hard. chicago over he-ah, and dallas over ther-ah and who in da fuck is ready to fly ? OK THEN LETS BOOGIE

Posted Mar 23 2007

Hillbilly Flat

so i get a call at 4am and im totally psyched about it cuz the guy sounds way cool and i'm just up and in the mood and its a totally good mood and we're chatting and so then i get into my car and 1 mile down the road my tire blows on the entrace ramp of the 202 and i dont know how to change a tire so i tell the guy i gotta go and maybe i'll get there maybe not... so i get the # to the 24 hr towing place and call them .... the guy says the tow truck guy will call me back 30-60 minutes depending on traffic... well theres no fucking traffic at 4am in south chandler so after 30 minutes i call back and he says well it sometimes takes up to an hour depending on traffic .. wtf ?
so after the hour is up i call back and this time someone else answers and tells me that the tow truck guy isnt answering their page but they'll continue to try to page him
wtf ?
in the meantime, im fielding calls on my cell.. some guy says he's coming to rescue me but then calls 30 minutes later to say he never saw me and he drove all the way to mcclintok on the 202.. which would of course be the wrong 202 ... nice try anyway buddy.
and during this time i realize that the smell of cow manure is not the dairy but it is in fact my vehicle and upon further inspection find that my convertible was apparently splashed with some kind of liquidy cow manure inside and out... wonderful.
... SO
its now 5am so i call a girl i know that lives close by and she's always up really early and she says sure, her and her husband will be right there...
its getting a bit chilly but instead of putting the top on and sealing myself and my poor lil doggie up in the cow shit pit, i just run the heat and put Lucy's sweater on her and wait.

so they get there and her husband looks really familiar but i dont say anything, i just figure he's got one of those faces...he then tells me that i have anti theft bullshit on my tires and blah blah blah something about a metal key.
wtf ?
i have this ?
what ?
where ?
no i dont have metal tool thingys anywhere
look I've had like 5 flats but i dont touch any of that metal stuff so i dont know.
another client calls .... yeah I'll be home in 30 minutes, bring it on...

back to car issue, still no meta tool thingy verified by the cop now perusing through the junk in my trunk. . wonderful
what's that smell officer ?
well officer that's cow shit
yeah.

note to self - pig shit and cow shit dont get along

so
grabbed my boobie oil and my honey powder and my doggie and left the car on the side of the road until i can get to the dealership and get this metal THANG.
get home. shower the stink of cow shit off me and 6am tow truck guy calls. says so sorry but there was a problem with dispatch. The fuck there was. i would bet 1 million dollars that fucker was sleeping. i ask him about the metal THANG and he says oh no he dont have those anyway. Well then, how about a nice tall glass of go fuck yourself you jerk.
6:30 client.
bang bang
that's nice
8:00 ding ding
my girl shows up to take me to the dealership
on the way she says she's got to tell me something about her husband. She then informs me that before we met, she had actually heard all about me from her husband cuz i fucked him before they met and that i had later actually facilitated the circumstances which would later bring the happy couple together.
i told her that i thought he looked familiar but more importantly that i actually have a t-shirt that says i fucked your husband and I'll be wearing it later.

dealership guy tried to explain to me that it would take 2 weeks to order the metal i needed RIGHT THE FUCK NOW ... well instead of me waiting the 2 weeks, we decided it would be better if i just took the dealership's metal thing that they keep on hand and i could bring it back later.
yeah.

of course I'll leave my credit card.
dont mind those bite marks, my doggie chewed it up a lil bit.
she eats cash or credit, you cant leave either one laying around
she's got a thang for condoms too.
apparently, no paper, plastic or rubber is safe around the bitch and one can only wonder if maybe she got the metal THANG too.

ok got metal now.
the husband i fucked is at his job now so we pickup the handyman (i havent fucked) from her place and back to shit pit on wheels. now that the sun has been up and the top has been on, its a real treat to be reunited.

handyman said ok cool the metal worked but now we have another metal THANG
wtf ?
ok he's got one at home that'll do it, he'll just run back and get it while us girls flirt with passing by traffic.
cool. He hops in my girl's car and off he goes
nowhere
oh yeah we forgot to stop and get gas
well we were talking and stuff
no problem, we're on the entrance ramp to a major freeway and its now rush hour, my girl gets a ride from the first car going by and off she goes
ok doke

now i understand... i didnt have just any ordinary flat tire... this is a Hillbilly Style Flat Tire Event.
SON OF A MOTHERFUCKING BITCH

she's back with gas
off the handyman goes
yes goes

back with metal THANG #2
yes works
11am the shit pit is now mobile
i steal the handyman and drive back to my place.
he agrees to take the car to be cleaned and bring it back
oy
moral ?
no i dont need those,
just a nap thanks

Posted Mar 19 2007

to the professa in yuma, i got yo request and everything is peachy keen cept your email addy is bouncing worse then my bewbies on a late sunday afternoon jog darling so mebbe you can re-send your request with an alternative way to contact you or just call me. thanky but no spank me very much and have a wonderful day. OH and if loquacious means talkative, then its the nutty that makes me loquacious as well as delicious.

Posted Mar 15 2007

you guys think blondes with big boobs don't ever have to worry about getting tickets but you're wrong. Its the blondes with big boobs wearing a fuck me necklace that dont have to worry.

ana

Unfortunately mine broke like a year ago but i learned my lesson and my new one is on da way so i can go back to being my worry-free self.

In addition to that i am expecting my handmade one-of-a-kind cell phone cover shaped like a penis that i won on eBay when during a moment of complete stupidity i thought was sort of cute and bid a buck, thinking no way will i ever win that cuz so many other people are going to want it... nope, nobody did, not at all. now i can clearly see why. i hate eBay.

Posted Feb 26 2007

i had traffic court this morning at 9am for a BUNCH of tickets JEEEEZ ... anyway i was an hour late and normally i'll call and tell them im late but i was feeling kind of rebellious this morning and i just didnt feel like going but anyway i did eventually and when i got there i told the clerk that i was sorry i was late but i'm a rebel. LOL

she said it was no problem so then i went into the courtroom and painted my toenails. and they reduced all my fines to the minimum.

Posted Feb 21 2007

I plan on using this guy for all my future cell phone needs.
he has everything, phones, accessories and is very knowledgeable

he's around dobson and elliot
he flashed my sprint cell to cricket for $25 and it took about 15 minutes and he even gave me an instruction sheet how to program the number in. and he was straight with me about possible problems like i cant get the cricket applications and he said it might delete my contacts but it didnt. David Chapman
www.karmaphones.com
Buying & Selling
Pre-Owned Cell Phones
CDMA Re-Programming
602-549-1688

Posted Feb 9 2007

I haven't posted because i'm working on a site for another girl. I'll post the link when i'm done. Plus it kinds of weirds me out to have people in my life reading about my life. i just think it would be more fun if it was anonymous. i'm currently on freaky vacation until tomorrow which totally sucks and I've been dealing with the motherf**ng dmv which sucks worse. Now look, if the "check engine" light has been on in your car for 2 years and the car is still running then obviously the engine didn't need to be checked now did it ? Those f***tards at emissions dont even consider maybe its a faulty light.

Posted Jan 30, 2007

Happy as a Yankee

I actually posted this a few months ago on a discussion board but its an issue that really grates on my nerves. I really get tired of men who claim to love me and want to "save me" from my horrible life and take care of me. Give me a break. Most are just suitcase pimps (porno talent managers) looking for a girl to exploit and then when you reject them, they viciously attack your character or make stupid threats. These guys are by far the worst part of my job, but it has gotten more fun dealing with them as I get better and better at spotting them and cyber-spanking or cyber-pranking them until they run along on their merry lil way. i'm sure some of the men are being sincere but what they don't realize is that they dont even know me, or what it would take to make me happy. They only know ana and yes ana is very real and she makes up a large part of me but the key word is part but at this time in my life, I'm not willing to share all of me. No ana is not my real name but i dont have a real name due to some hillbilly drama that maybe i'll talk about another day so dont worry ur pretty lil head about it. Things change everyday and sometimes they change even more often than that but for now, i'm ana or ms bang, da boss, crazy ass fucking bitch, princess, yes maam, or ms thang

dont cry for me, i'm so happy i could be a fuxxxxg Yankee

yes i do this for the money, let there be no doubt.

but I'd like to address the common misconception that women who do this, must hate it. it annoys me when people assume i must have to do this as it insinuates i'm too dumb to earn an income any other way. When a guy tells me that they hope i have a better life one day, they are in fact looking down upon the one i have now. whateva. i betcha i got more choices than a jack in the box menu thank you. For 10 years, I let the Jumbo Jackasses of corporate america dictate my day but i found that just wasn't my thang. I liked to play and have fun, toys and games made for a girl who is naturally talented at swinging a bat and handling balls.

professional baseball players like to play baseball dont they ?
i should think probably yes and probably a whole lot

maybe a girl goes pro cuz she likes that game a whole lot
and maybe she's exceptional talented in that particular sport and because of that has found herself to be in high demand so wouldn't it just make sense to go pro with that talent.

there's nothing wrong with a ball player from seattle accepting a job from new york even if he doesn't like the new york team as much but because new york pays better.... he still loves the game, and its the same game everywhere, no matter who else is on the team, its sometimes good sometimes bad but if you truly love to play baseball, you're going to love playing on any team.

nobody says, aaaawww poor widdle baseball player just doing what he has to do to pay the bills.
aaaawww hopefully he'll find a better life or a better wife one day.

excuse me for taking pride in my skill and loving to play so much that i took it to the pros... i'm very sorry that i am aware that my talent is exceptional and therefore i expect to be paid for it. . . i'm sure that a baseball player, no matter how much he loves the game if he is given an option to play ball and get paid or play ball and not get paid that he is probably going to take the pay and i'm sure nobody looks down upon him for choosing that. nobody thinks he doesn't enjoy it and nobody expects him to play for nothing just because he does enjoy it.

i know that i'm supposed to be ashamed of myself and have no self-respect but that's just too damn bad cuz i'm not too concerned with what other people think i'm supposed to be doing. I already approve of myself and i already like myself and in fact, when i finger myself, i think i might even be in love with myself but that's probably cuz i'm so damn good at it and i can suck on my own nips so I am a happy happy girl and I love meeting people and being able to share that happiness with them but I don't really need them to like me or love me or make me happy. I am not going to change just to please someone else, there's billions and billions of people out there and i'm pretty confident i might run into a few that like me just the way that i am already so I'd rather spend my time looking for them than trying to fit into someone's else's preconceived idea of what is the "right" thing for me. Let me tell you something, I am happy and that either makes me right or it makes me crazy but I'll take either of those 8 days a week over being miserable. Now there are some people in my life who I've come to respect their opinion and would want to impress them such as close friends and family but it is a very select few and they aren't just randoms on the internet or the street. Quite frankly, I've met some people whose thinking processes were so screwy that I'd be more concerned if they did like me. I dont take money advice from the poor, i dont take diet advice from the overweight and i certainly dont take morality advice from losers who think they can judge me but most importantly i absolutely never ever take behavioral advice from PSYCHOTIC CHILDREN. i think that would be stupid.

Posted Jan 11, 2007

Well i got a lil busy there right at xmas when i decided to start doing my xmas shopping.. Was a lil Hairy Scary for a while but I got that situation totally spanked and actually did a pretty good job covering up the fact that i was lazy and late. I was total pain in the ass for a few local and online businesses but I figure they benefit from the challenges i present them as it enables them to stretch their creativity as well as practice their patience. Oh no new years cards went out and i'm a lil disappointed about that but phone calls and charming excuses did and tonight im so totally committed to making kick ass thank you cards that i'm sure i already forgave myself so--- tail feathers are all smooooooooth ova here.. .. i love being a blonde.. i can start any sentence with "oh whoops" and anything after that is believed to be the truth without question... "oh whoops i didnt know your husband would be naked in the shower when i went in, poor fella was scared stiff" ... you gotta have blank face like you're inbred and eyes real wide tho... i spent 7 years in West Virginia, right before i moved to arizona, so i got that look down.

Posted Jan 5, 2006

KICK ASS TOTALLY FUCKING KILLER SALE ON SEQUINED PANTIES NO TIME FOR BLAHHHG OR NEW YEARS CARDS TODAY SO FUCK EM IM SHOPPING

Posted Dec 26, 2006

Fantasies

i think to hell with the xmas cards i think I'll send new years cards instead and be on time and slightly eccentric. you see mateys, I've been way too busy playing my pirate game to be bothered with it. Oh oh oh oh oh oh i just had an epiphany - you want me to talk about sex stuff doncha ? whoops. you want to know what all my secret sexual fantasies are. I have no secret fantasies, get freaking real. Why would i keep something so important a secret ? HELL NO studcakes. This is definitely news i want to GET OUT THERE ASAP and i cant emphasize this enough. I will tell it, yell it, tattoo it on your ass, shout it from the rooftops, put that shit on the airwaves, gimme a blimp, a billboard, bullhorn, whatever, no secrets HERE. (cept some im not telling but they dont count). Really, the secret to pleasing a woman is LISTENING TO HER. Who in da hell wants to keep their desires a secret ? mebbe serial killers and the stupid i guess. I think men have a secret fantasy that women are keeping this information from them cuz they dont want to admit they dont know how to listen. Of course this doesn't apply to you, oh noooooo, mr "i've never had any complaints" .. Well that's sort of funny cuz i've never actually met a woman without complaints. Take my word for it, they are complaining, just not to you probably cuz you won't listen which is the problem in the first place. A sure way to know whether or not you're a skillful lover (that just means your ears work which is actually waaaay more important than your penis working and if you think i'm lying how come there's so many lezzzzzies) is whether or not a woman's friends or family or coworkers, neighbors, mail carrier, etc, have tried to sleep with you either during or after your relationship. If none have, there's a reason for that and and it's not cuz "they're not like that" cuz oh yeah they so totally are. There might be a few exceptions but the rule amongst women is that we can justify any behavior if we get a lil drunk and if we're blonde we don't even need to do that cuz we can just say oh whoops i guess i grabbed the wrong penis. How in the world did I do that ? Oh and by the way i totally suspect that my boobies actually do speak with a Russian accent and not just to me and the Best Buy guy either. In fact, i'm learning they are quite social indeedy which is why i'm not needy and I am looooving them for that. All this time, I thought they were slurring their words cuz of all the cinnamon schnapps boobie oil i douse them with but when i asked MasterCard if mebbe we should cut back on the schnapps, Visa told me to shaddup and take them shopping and it definitely sounded Russian, not slurred and sort of cranky too so i guess we're going soon. But not until after i lick them and suck them and rub a rub rub them cuz that's when it'll be time for me to take my finger OUTTIE.
like outside ya pervs.

Posted Dec 22, 2006

staying safe

I'm often asked how do i stay safe ?

that's pretty easy:

1. the trustworthy will trust
2. psychos worry about psychos
3. assholes smell like shit

the first two are based on the psychological theory of projection. the third one is the reason why i believe that kissing ass will give you shit breath. not my thang. Oh whoops did you hear that ? thats anabangbang's southern twang and i betcha you thought i had a russian accent. HA HO HO HO FOOLED YA. mebbe if my boobies talked but they don't (cept to me and oh yeah that guy at Best Buy i think they talked to him cuz he sure looked like he was listening and i got a totally kick ass deal on a cell phone)
I have to meet a GIRL for lunch EEEEW for lunch and do my xmas cards, i'm thinking there's no chance they're going to actually get anywhere by xmas. late again but chalk me up for staying consistent.

Posted Dec 21, 2006

Veeeeh ghaaaaas

The trip to Veeeeeh ghaaaaaas was tons of fun of course. I had a brilliant companion who made sure i was happy happy happy and i definitely was. Stayed at one of my old faves, MGM, got a facial (at the spa) and a new polo shirt that I think looks very sexy when I wear it nekkid. Lots of room service and service in da room. My asshole (aka My Mikey, my talented webmasta) almost lost its virginity to the wonderful goons of TSA due to the fact that i forgot my drivers license. I somehow managed to escape an anal probing but if security at the airport gets any tighter, I'm afraid the airport may become jammed packed with wannabe butt sluts showing up with no id. thankfully we took an airline that is actually more consistently late than me so the 45 minutes of foreplay with TSA both coming and going didn't cause any missed flights. However, a delayed trip home (and exhaustion) did cause me to miss out on Wickedly Wendy's Xmas Dungeon Party but hopefully it went well and she'll have it again next year. (not that i plan on waiting that long to explore the Dungeon).

Posted Dec 17, 2006

Sweet Fragmented Memories

I got drunk last night at a charity function from 2 glasses of wine. Last time I drank was with The Geek like a year ago and I got wasted from 3 coronas. Back in college, one night I did 2 beer bongs so big, da boys had to go on top of the roof of the house to fill it. It held about 6 beers. In between the 2 beer bongs, I was happily drinking from the keg all night. At some point that night I got questioned by the police and I remember someone smacking my forehead a lot but that's pretty much it. Sweeeeet Fragmented Memories. Today is my birthday. Oy.
NO SPANX
I'm going to give myself some memory loss and forget all about being a year older.
now THAT'S a Sweeeeeet Ass Present. Oh, on the subject of Sweeeeeeeeet Ass, I'm wearing white cabANA pants from fredericks. I love them. Totally see through, like netted material that ties at the waist. So perfect for me, they named them after me. Its true i'm older than the pants but i can't be bothered to prove it or anything.

Posted Dec 12, 2006

Princess Ana

Payton refers to me as Princess Ana and i'm not complaining cuz that's waaay better than some of the other names she calls me but I'd like to know Where In DEEEEEE FUCK Is My Tiara?

Posted Dec 9, 2006

The Mole

I have discovered a Mole here at AHHH. Its on the tip of my big toe and i believe it is the one that leaked information to the Pinky and the Brain camp. Regardless, someone leaked our plan because Pinky's Aunt Flo, that witch, snuck up and fired one of those monkey wrenches into my toolbox. Hammer suffered a direct hit and will be bandaged up for a few days and things are bound to be extremely kinky by the end of the week. Hammer hates to be confined to the Toolbox and I'm expecting Wild Mood Swings until the bandages are off.